A Kiwisense Case Study
The following is an example of the type of issues that can be resolved through counselling. The names and some of the details have been altered to protect the identity of the people.
Tom and Kylie had been married for 7 years and had three children. Two years earlier they had started their own business and although it was making good progress, Tom was working long hours initially to build it up, and then because of his success he had to put in long hours to keep up with the work. Kylie did the administration and accounts for the business and because of Tom being away working, had most of the responsibility for parenting their children. They worked well together but they were both very tired and finances were still tight. Life for them had become a grind.
Tom spent much of his day working on his own and looked forward to spending time with Kylie in the evening. When he got home however, it seemed like she always had a series of queries, quotes to do or information required to get things crossed off her list. The jobs were obviously more important to her than he was. Home had become just another job to be done so he began stopping at the Club for a beer on the way home a couple of nights each week.
Kylie was OK with that occasionally but it was becoming a pattern that she was concerned about. Because of having the kids all day, running around for school activities along with the business demands of GST, ACC, PAYE, she was not getting any time to herself. She discovered that she was getting more and more resentful that Tom was taking the time out that he needed but what about her? It was also ringing alarm bells for her because she had grown up with a Dad who used to go to the local most nights and come home tanked. While he was never violent with it, she grew up believing that his work and his mates at the pub were more important to him than she was and she didn't want that for her kids. That was one of the reasons why she married Tom – he was a hard worker but he rarely had more than one or two beers. Then the guilt would set in, thinking that she had a hard working husband who tried to spend as much time as he could with the kids, who was working to provide for them all and was trustworthy and well respected - to moan about it was just being selfish.
When they had tried to talk about it, it was usually when the kids were finally in bed and they were both tired after a long day. They just seemed to end up misunderstanding each other and gave up trying to talk because sleep was precious and it never seemed to resolve anything anyway. It seemed to Tom that Kylie was accusing him of not doing enough to help when he was already stretched out like a rubber band and Kylie felt that Tom wasn't listening to her or valuing her because he would either retrench and say nothing or just tell her what she should be doing different. Even the sex, which in their early days together had brought them together, had slipped into the "too hard" basket.
So what was going on? During counselling they discovered several factors that were influencing their relationship that they had been unaware of. Firstly they learnt about how they, and each other naturally function.
Kylie discovered that she was one of the estimated 20% of females who more naturally function from the left hand side of their brain. This meant that among other characteristics, she had a tendency to be more task oriented, needed to get things in order before she could stop to relax, and to re-energise, needed time and space on her own. She naturally liked to plan, have lists and a strong attention to detail.
Tom learnt that he was one of the estimated 20% of men who more naturally function from the right side of their brain who are more relationship and fun oriented, spontaneous, would rather stop and have a coffee together first before attacking the task, and need to get with other people to regain their balance when they are tired and stressed.
They also discovered the influence of their childhood families.
Tom grew up with a father who was stressed and busy who was prone to exploding without warning. He learnt very early to watch for the signs of an impending "blow-up" and to either shut-up or become scarce to avoid getting a blast. He also grew up believing that he was "not good enough,"and a "failure" because whenever he did something for, or with his father, he was told how he could have done it better. This later drove him to work incredibly hard, regularly sacrificing his family to service his customers because he could not afford the business to fail as that would confirm that he was the failure that he feared himself to be.
Kylie discovered that as the youngest in her family, she had grown up believing that "nobody listens to me", "everyone tells me what to do" and "there must be something wrong with me because I would rather hangout with the boys than put up with the girls' silly antics." She also learnt that the only way to get heard in her family was to get angry.
What they became aware of was that when they got tired and stressed they ended up "pushing each other buttons." Kylie had the kids all day and was not getting any space to herself to get on and get her jobs done, hence she was often irritable. When she saw Tom getting the time out that she really needed she started to get angry and this put an "edge" on her voice when she tried to talk to him about it. He sensed the anger and believed he had got it wrong again and got scared so he activated his survival strategy that he had learnt as a child - either shut up or withdraw. Kylie sensed that she was being ignored and not listened too and her strategy to deal with it was to get angrier. So the pattern was created.
Once they had identified the cycle they began trying different ways of each getting what they needed to remain balanced. Instead of going to the Club, Tom would come home and they would stop and have a catch up. Tom would then take responsibility for the kids for 30 minutes while Kylie either went for a walk on her own or had time the office catching up away from the kids. They regularly made time to talk at the start of the day and if Kylie started to get irritated he agreed to move towards her and listen rather than escape. Life began to change for them both.
Tom and Kylie's story and solutions, while individual to them, had a number of dynamics operating on them that I find common within many relationships. Learned childhood behaviours and beliefs, differing needs and misunderstandings can create relationships that are hard work and frustrating for both parties but it often takes outside help to identify these patterns. Don't wait until it is too late to turn it around because the sooner you get help, the quicker you can get back to enjoying your relationships rather than enduring them.
Tom spent much of his day working on his own and looked forward to spending time with Kylie in the evening. When he got home however, it seemed like she always had a series of queries, quotes to do or information required to get things crossed off her list. The jobs were obviously more important to her than he was. Home had become just another job to be done so he began stopping at the Club for a beer on the way home a couple of nights each week.
Kylie was OK with that occasionally but it was becoming a pattern that she was concerned about. Because of having the kids all day, running around for school activities along with the business demands of GST, ACC, PAYE, she was not getting any time to herself. She discovered that she was getting more and more resentful that Tom was taking the time out that he needed but what about her? It was also ringing alarm bells for her because she had grown up with a Dad who used to go to the local most nights and come home tanked. While he was never violent with it, she grew up believing that his work and his mates at the pub were more important to him than she was and she didn't want that for her kids. That was one of the reasons why she married Tom – he was a hard worker but he rarely had more than one or two beers. Then the guilt would set in, thinking that she had a hard working husband who tried to spend as much time as he could with the kids, who was working to provide for them all and was trustworthy and well respected - to moan about it was just being selfish.
When they had tried to talk about it, it was usually when the kids were finally in bed and they were both tired after a long day. They just seemed to end up misunderstanding each other and gave up trying to talk because sleep was precious and it never seemed to resolve anything anyway. It seemed to Tom that Kylie was accusing him of not doing enough to help when he was already stretched out like a rubber band and Kylie felt that Tom wasn't listening to her or valuing her because he would either retrench and say nothing or just tell her what she should be doing different. Even the sex, which in their early days together had brought them together, had slipped into the "too hard" basket.
So what was going on? During counselling they discovered several factors that were influencing their relationship that they had been unaware of. Firstly they learnt about how they, and each other naturally function.
Kylie discovered that she was one of the estimated 20% of females who more naturally function from the left hand side of their brain. This meant that among other characteristics, she had a tendency to be more task oriented, needed to get things in order before she could stop to relax, and to re-energise, needed time and space on her own. She naturally liked to plan, have lists and a strong attention to detail.
Tom learnt that he was one of the estimated 20% of men who more naturally function from the right side of their brain who are more relationship and fun oriented, spontaneous, would rather stop and have a coffee together first before attacking the task, and need to get with other people to regain their balance when they are tired and stressed.
They also discovered the influence of their childhood families.
Tom grew up with a father who was stressed and busy who was prone to exploding without warning. He learnt very early to watch for the signs of an impending "blow-up" and to either shut-up or become scarce to avoid getting a blast. He also grew up believing that he was "not good enough,"and a "failure" because whenever he did something for, or with his father, he was told how he could have done it better. This later drove him to work incredibly hard, regularly sacrificing his family to service his customers because he could not afford the business to fail as that would confirm that he was the failure that he feared himself to be.
Kylie discovered that as the youngest in her family, she had grown up believing that "nobody listens to me", "everyone tells me what to do" and "there must be something wrong with me because I would rather hangout with the boys than put up with the girls' silly antics." She also learnt that the only way to get heard in her family was to get angry.
What they became aware of was that when they got tired and stressed they ended up "pushing each other buttons." Kylie had the kids all day and was not getting any space to herself to get on and get her jobs done, hence she was often irritable. When she saw Tom getting the time out that she really needed she started to get angry and this put an "edge" on her voice when she tried to talk to him about it. He sensed the anger and believed he had got it wrong again and got scared so he activated his survival strategy that he had learnt as a child - either shut up or withdraw. Kylie sensed that she was being ignored and not listened too and her strategy to deal with it was to get angrier. So the pattern was created.
Once they had identified the cycle they began trying different ways of each getting what they needed to remain balanced. Instead of going to the Club, Tom would come home and they would stop and have a catch up. Tom would then take responsibility for the kids for 30 minutes while Kylie either went for a walk on her own or had time the office catching up away from the kids. They regularly made time to talk at the start of the day and if Kylie started to get irritated he agreed to move towards her and listen rather than escape. Life began to change for them both.
Tom and Kylie's story and solutions, while individual to them, had a number of dynamics operating on them that I find common within many relationships. Learned childhood behaviours and beliefs, differing needs and misunderstandings can create relationships that are hard work and frustrating for both parties but it often takes outside help to identify these patterns. Don't wait until it is too late to turn it around because the sooner you get help, the quicker you can get back to enjoying your relationships rather than enduring them.