Attempts to resolve conflict with some people can be rather like trying to stop a runaway train by stepping in front of it – not much fun for the participants or the spectators but we have all observed it at some time. No-one wins in that situation.
One of the keys to a successful and fulfilling family or workplace relationship is the ability of the individuals to resolve conflict in a way that preserves the dignity and power of both parties.
The ability to negotiate is a vital life-skill that every adult needs in order to reach his or her potential and is the foundation of conflict resolution. While not supporting parent bashing in any way, the reality exists that a person who has grown up with a parent who was not negotiable or who viewed any challenge to their thinking as challenge to their authority, is unlikely to have good negotiating skills. "Clamming up" or "blowing up" may be the only alternatives for these people.
As an adult they will hear any suggestion from their partner, children, employer or staff as a verdict rather than a proposal resulting in them being difficult to live and work with. They tend to become a bully who focuses on what is in it for them and are unable to balance their own needs with the needs of the people around them. Alternatively, they become a victim who can only take what others dish out to them leaving them powerless and resentful. The only option for a victim in a situation of conflict is to walk away.
While children need boundaries and limits to be emotionally safe, teenagers need to be taught how to negotiate by having it modelled to them by the adults they are living with.
Like learning to ride a bike, drive a vehicle or any other skill, their first attempts will not be very successful. They need the opportunity to practice negotiating in a safe environment where if they can get it wrong they are given the chance to back up and have another go while they learn.
True negotiating is not about making sure that you get the best end of the deal, nor is it about getting walked over. It is about making proposal and counter-proposal until both parties are able to achieve their goals and a win-win solution is found.
Premature agreements entered into before that point is reached will inevitably result in resentment which will prove to be either financially or emotionally costly in the long term.
The question that remains to be asked is how negotiable are you as a parent or employer? Perhaps the best assessment on that will be gained from asking the people you live and work with, provided however that they are sure that they will not be punished for telling the truth.
Life skills that have not been learnt as a young person can be learnt as an adult but choose carefully who you practice on. As the old saying goes, if you are going to learn to rope an animal from horseback, it is not wise to practice on a three-year-old bull. Someone is going to come off second best and it is unlikely to be the bull.
One of the keys to a successful and fulfilling family or workplace relationship is the ability of the individuals to resolve conflict in a way that preserves the dignity and power of both parties.
The ability to negotiate is a vital life-skill that every adult needs in order to reach his or her potential and is the foundation of conflict resolution. While not supporting parent bashing in any way, the reality exists that a person who has grown up with a parent who was not negotiable or who viewed any challenge to their thinking as challenge to their authority, is unlikely to have good negotiating skills. "Clamming up" or "blowing up" may be the only alternatives for these people.
As an adult they will hear any suggestion from their partner, children, employer or staff as a verdict rather than a proposal resulting in them being difficult to live and work with. They tend to become a bully who focuses on what is in it for them and are unable to balance their own needs with the needs of the people around them. Alternatively, they become a victim who can only take what others dish out to them leaving them powerless and resentful. The only option for a victim in a situation of conflict is to walk away.
While children need boundaries and limits to be emotionally safe, teenagers need to be taught how to negotiate by having it modelled to them by the adults they are living with.
Like learning to ride a bike, drive a vehicle or any other skill, their first attempts will not be very successful. They need the opportunity to practice negotiating in a safe environment where if they can get it wrong they are given the chance to back up and have another go while they learn.
True negotiating is not about making sure that you get the best end of the deal, nor is it about getting walked over. It is about making proposal and counter-proposal until both parties are able to achieve their goals and a win-win solution is found.
Premature agreements entered into before that point is reached will inevitably result in resentment which will prove to be either financially or emotionally costly in the long term.
The question that remains to be asked is how negotiable are you as a parent or employer? Perhaps the best assessment on that will be gained from asking the people you live and work with, provided however that they are sure that they will not be punished for telling the truth.
Life skills that have not been learnt as a young person can be learnt as an adult but choose carefully who you practice on. As the old saying goes, if you are going to learn to rope an animal from horseback, it is not wise to practice on a three-year-old bull. Someone is going to come off second best and it is unlikely to be the bull.