Assertiveness can easily be misunderstood and has too often been used by some people as a thinly disguised way of getting what they want. I have heard people say “I am not being aggressive just assertive. You need to....” in a tone of voice that clearly says otherwise. True assertiveness is gentle. True assertiveness does not try to change other people or try to make them do or stop doing anything. True assertiveness does not try to punish anyone but instead lets natural consequences motivate change.
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I have a question that I don’t think that there is an answer to. Do bullies create victims or do victims create bullies? It is probably unnecessary for me to state that whatever the problem, violence is not the solution because retaliation can only lead to escalation.
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As a counsellor I regularly encounter those who are either suffering from the effects of depression themselves, or who are living with someone who is. On a personal level, it ruled my own life for a number of years, although few who knew me at the time would have been aware of it because like many, I was very good at hiding it. I am also deeply aware of the pain of some who may be reading this, who have lost someone who was not able to overcome the debilitating effects of depression.
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Our experiences with disappointment in our formative years can have a similar effect on our adult life as salt has on food. Both too much of it and too little of it causes problems. It is one of the hidden factors behind some people having difficulty with hearing and accepting “no” and others having trouble respectfully saying “no.” Both are important life-skills.
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The idea that if you are married to the “right” person then you will not have feelings for anyone else at some stage during the marriage is what fairy tales are made of – a nice story but unrealistic in real life. A successful marriage depends not on whether you have an attraction to someone else but on what action you take when it happens. Some people look outside the marriage for the answer to the problem while others turn towards their partner.
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Shame has been described as the cancer of human emotions that eats away from the inside of those who are afflicted by it. Shame robs people of the ability to enjoy their life, destroys relationships and locks away potential. Shame itself is rarely visible from the outside because people will go to extreme lengths to keep it hidden but its effects can be seen everywhere, every day.
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People I meet who have known me as a farmer and contractor often ask me what motivated the change from the world of agriculture to the totally different world of counselling
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The old saying that actions speak louder than words is one that, like many of our colloquial sayings, is based on a fundamental truth
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Do you know the difference between respect and obedience? Sadly, many parents and employers regularly get these two concepts confused and the results can be disastrous for their families and staff
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Much has been written in recent years about co-dependency. It’s characteristics of caretaking, the need to control others, denial, inability to trust, anger, lack of boundaries, people pleasing, addictive behaviours, fear of criticism and an inability to communicate needs effectively are common as presenting issues in the counselling room. An examination of the documented characteristics of shame (Middleton-Moz 1990) revealed remarkable similarities to that of co-dependency. Bradshaw (1993, p14) states “It is my belief that internalised shame is the essence of co-dependency.”
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